i had a conversation that went like this tonight:

"remember when you didn't have a job and i was into shitty colored extentions and bad piercings? who were those people? were we really confused, or having the time of our lives?"

i'm not sure if that'll ever really be clear. but yesterday, running away into my favorite city just because i couldn't be here anymore felt like old times again. all those times when the lower east side was my playground.

its amazing how quickly time passes and new friends become old friends, people get down off their pedestals, and you realize the truth about things that were better off as lies.

also, i wish someone had told me that weave = not my jam. hoochie nails could have been left in the 90's too. a memo containing the information "from first to last sucks dick" could have also helped. thanks guys

I'm currently on the 12:08 train to grand central, en route to brooklyn. I was planning on reading the new york times, but coverage of the illinois shooting made me feel like hiding under the covers, so I've decided to take this time to blog.

I'm going to florida tuesday for some sun and green grass. Life is getting way too pricy and I need to stop spending money. When things slow down I'm going to start going to shows again. I'm listening to Taking Back Sunday right now and I miss this band super hard. Feel free to call me contrived, but I thought louder now was brilliant.

Things to write home about: new routines, bad dreams, getting back into it, voxtrot, moving on, future plans.

Its weird to think I've been writing in blogs since 2004. From livejournals to hiplogs and everything in between. I feel like I had much more to write then than I do now.

I love everything you write. your insecurities make me appreciate your smile even more.

Love

attn: josh peck

my good man... while greasyness and being a guido often go hand in hand, don't mistake one for the other. you being greasy does NOT make you a guido. so why are you throwing up peace signs with the poster boy for armani exchange? did you meet him while getting your eyebrows threaded down in chelsea?



i'm sorry world, i didn't mean to break your heart. but after being a loyal drake and josh fan, season upon season... i just thought it fair to expose the truth.

with that said...



its still a major life goal of mine to throw back a few coronas with josh peck. i mean, even if he does surprise us with frequent image changes and he was always the uglier brother... just look at that face.

i was thinking today about my age. seventeen. when i was a little girl, i couldn't wait to be seventeen. i thought i was going to be exactly like dj tanner and all of my cool and pretty babysitters that sat with me for hours, painting my nails assorted shades of pink and braiding my hair.

somewhere along the lines of wanting to be a cast member on full house and playing with polly pocket, i grew up. except, i didn't grow into the girl i always imagined... for starters, bob saget didn't play my dad on national television, and my best friends name isn't kimmy. but in actuality... i grew up and turned slightly sour. i started getting more misanthropic than the little girl in pig tails. i stopped listening and started shutting the world out. when i was 10, i wanted to be 16, when i was 16, i wanted to be 26... and well, i think you get the idea.

the thing is, when i stopped acting my age, i realized how okay my age really is. no matter what i'd like to be, right now i'm just a junior in high school. and even i forget that sometimes. but when it comes down to it, i can only go by what i've learned thus far. i don't have the experience to be on everyones level - and even though i can get there sometimes, other times its just not possible. yes, sometimes i can act 27... but i can easily turn around and act as childish and naive as the little girl with the pink nails.

this isn't a 'don't let me fool you' warning, its more of a statement. almost a declaration. because, while a lot of things i want to be doing right now might be out of my reach because of my age and ability, what i can do is plan my future and think big. my faith waivers on the subject of many things... thinking big isn't one of them. one of my favorite quotes is, "reach for the stars... even if you fall, you'll land amongst the clouds." i think that just about sums it up.

at this moment, the future seems rather daunting... the steps involved in working towards everything - standarized tests, applications, extracurriculars - seem more like a walk towards the plank than a stroll into success. but in retrospect, this isn't really a time for excuses, more a celebration. because i think that ten years ago, i was pretty smart. i think being seventeen is pretty cool.

i just want back in your head.

first off, my birthday was great. i guess i could sum up the night by saying that the drinks we had with dinner were appropriately titled "pink pussies". i also may have started off my year as a seventeen year old puking on my front lawn. i hope that isn't a reflection of how this year is going to turn out. (but i think fate may have other plans in store... fate, and my fake I.D.)

i'm going to post pics and commentary SOON - but first, i'm listening to the absolutely best mixed tape in my car right now and it's making even the terrible weather seem bearable. i just think this one is a little too good to keep to myself...

as follows:
blue light - bloc party
city girl - tegan and sara
back in your head - tegan and sara
someday you will be loved - death cab for cutie
dancing shoes - arctic monkeys
photobooth - death cab for cutie
west coast - jason schwartzman (yes, jason the actor - i couldn't adore this song more. myspace.com/coconutrecords)
make this go on forever - snow patrol
all my days - alexi murdoch
met a girl like you once - zach hexum
outta mind (outta sight) - wilco

i've been a total dcfc sucker lately. ben gibbard is totally appealing to my inner nerd.